I was never able to blog religiously. I always say I would, but I never could. I've come to realize that it's because writing can't be scheduled. Blurting out your feelings doesn't have to be once every Tuesday. Or every 5:00 in the afternoon. You just can't put a timeframe for when you're gonna feel something worth writing about. You just can't set a day for when you can't tell people anything and you have to write everything down.

Well, today is one of those days for me.

I've been very vocal about never fully feeling good about myself. I think it's unfair how people expect me to always be okay with myself simply because they think I'm pretty. Everyone has the right to feel insecure, and insecurity is NOT related to how well you look or how socially acceptable your physical appearance is. You can feel insecure regardless of what you look like. And I've always had low self esteem. It's not something I can work on. It's not something I can fix just because someone says I should. And I don't think I can do something about it.

But that's okay. Insecurity is a normal human emotion. I know that I shouldn't stress about something I can't control. I should stop giving myself such a hard time just because I don't like what I see in the mirror most days. And it's not everyday that I feel bad about myself. Sometimes they just get out of hand. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. If you ever see me on instagram you'd notice how my posts always decrease in number. It's because every time I feel insecure, I remove one selfie. I don't know but for some insane reason I feel like I'm doing myself a favor. Today, I deleted eight photos of myself. Yes, today is one of the worst days. I don't think I even have photos left to delete. And this is why I'm writing.

I try so hard to make others feel good because I can't do it for myself. I try so hard not to make other people feel bad about themselves because I know what it feels to act like you're okay with everything even when you're not. Some people will probably say I'm overacting. I probably am. I might read this tomorrow and cringe at what I'm saying. But what matters is now. What I'm feeling now. What I'm bound to feel again some time. And every time I feel insecure, I want to go back to this day. I want to remember that insecurity is a normal human emotion. Insecurity will always come. It will always bother me. And I can choose one of two options. I can either sulk and rant or I can own it. I can use those insecurities as motivation. Today, I did both. Today is the day I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to make me feel better. Today is the day I start giving myself compliments because I don't want to expect it from anyone.

Today is one of those days. But it is also the day I change.