An Attempt at Unfiltered Honesty
Saturday, January 16, 2016I've always been the kind of person who has difficulty opening up to people. Whether it be about my thoughts about something, my opinions, and most especially my feelings, I prefer to keep it hidden. It's not because I fear rejection, judgment, or an opposing point of view, but simply because I'm not comfortable. It's not because I'm immature either. Being open and dead honest doesn't come with maturity, it's somehow programmed in personality. And I'm just too much of a, for a lack of better word, secretive person to open up entirely. Maybe this is why I write. For me writing has always been more of an outlet than merely an activity to pass time.
There isn't one person in the entire world that knows EVERYTHING about me. Sometimes I regret that, sometimes I don't. It may sound wrong and apprehensive, but when I open up, I feel like I'm being robbed off my privacy and somehow I feel like I'm giving away too much and that what I say will later on be used against me. Because the funny (and ironic) thing is that when I start opening up and when I become too engrossed in the moment, when someone seems very interested in knowing about my feelings and emotions, it seems as if a start button is pushed and I just keep blabbering. That rarely happens. Because I rarely become engrossed in the moment, but when it does, I usually regret it right away because I end up saying things I shouldn't have said. Another thing that happened before when I opened up and became honest about my feelings, I was judged and laughed at for something I'm serious about. And you can't deny that all these negative effects combined can be a bit traumatizing for someone who isn't used to this in the first place. For some reason, there is always a bad aftermath for every time I open up. Maybe that's why I stick to writing and avoid talking.
Maybe. That's the closest thing I have to a theory. Maybe I'm secretive. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I overthink. Even I don't know what's going on in my head. Even I don't know why I find it so so so hard to be open and honest about everything, even just to a single person. But you see, when I say that I will try, I'm not promising to be a pro at this. But I will try. To my friends and family and the people close to me, I hope they grant me the luxury of their patience and understanding. It was never my intention to be secretive and to keep things to myself. It just happens.
BUT... I will try to be open about what I feel not because people ask it from me, but because I want to help myself. And practicing total, unfiltered honesty is a way to be comfortable in talking about the things I've been used to hide. After all, there's always room for improvement. And this is the least I can do for myself.
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