I've been pondering on this bible verse lately, because lately I've been feeling down and insecure. I'm trying not to be petty and sensitive, but there are just things that always trigger my self esteem issues that I'm also trying very hard to hide and bury. There are times I always feel really bad because I don't feel good about myself.

I grew up in a household where people always tease me, make fun of me, and criticize me for fun and jokes. I didn't mind, actually. I am really, genuinely okay with it. BUT I realized that as I grew older, the more I wanted to hear people compliment me at the very least. Maybe because I never hear it from my family. And don't get me wrong, I'm not easily pissed off when it comes to the people close to me, like my family. But when I hear it from others, I'm honestly really bothered. When I hear people pointing out or emphasizing what I'm insecure about, I easily get sensitive. I don't want to be, that's why sometimes I try to hide it, but still, it bothers me for the longest time. Especially when I'm trying to look good or when I'm trying to do better things. I just wanted someone to appreciate me for the things I do, even though there are teasing and jokes in between, I wanted someone to tell me genuinely that I'm doing a good job, or that I'm appreciated, my efforts are appreciated. God, I just wanna be appreciated. Because I'm trying. Really hard, sometimes.

This is why I'm very careful when it comes to treating other people. I always make sure that I don't bother them. I always make sure that I don't hurt their feelings, because I know what it feels like. This is why I'm scared of saying what I feel and think, because it might bother the people I'm talking to. Maybe this is why I always write about helping people feel good about themselves. Because I don't want them to feel the same way. One of my weaknesses is caring more about others than I care about myself, and sometimes it's a good thing. But I hope I learn that I need to listen to my own advice sometimes.

So since I can't help feeling like this, I am going to guard my heart. Not in the way that I won't open up to people, but in a way that I filter the things that I absorb. I filter the things that make me sensitive. I will guard my heart in a way that I will not dwell on the things that make me feel bad about myself.