Thursday, January 09, 2014
Inexplicable Late Night Loneliness
Thursday, January 09, 2014I don’t know if it’s just me, but some lonely nights are inexplicable. I just all of a sudden feel this pang in my chest that makes me ...
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I don’t know if it’s just me, but some lonely nights are inexplicable. I just all of a sudden feel this pang in my chest that makes me want to cry when there’s really nothing to cry about. I feel this desire to bury myself under bed covers and stay there until I’m the slightest bit okay. I suddenly want to drink gallons of coffee (though that’s not entirely new) to ease the horrible feeling that consumes me. It makes me want to shut everybody out and just be alone, though I’m positive being alone wouldn’t help.
I can’t be sad. I can’t be sad when there’s no reason to be.
I can’t cry about nothing, can I? That’s bizarre. My mind tells me I can’t...
But I am. I am sad, and it’s not the kind of sad I can tell you about, because
I myself don’t even know why or how or where to start the explaining. Maybe it’s
because of my hormonal moodiness, or my sensitivity, my being emotional, I don’t
know. Whatever it is, I hate it. I hate how my day can go from perfect to
dreadful. I hate how I can turn from outrageously happy to inexplicably lonely
in a matter of seconds. I hate how I have EVERY REASON to be happy, but I’m
not. Instead, I’m here, sulking like a big fat loser.
My loneliness is contagious, too. People who try to cheer me
up only end up being sad too. I’m like a leech sucking the life out of
everybody around me. And I hate myself for spreading sadness. If anything, I
want to make people happy, not the opposite. Never the opposite. Sometimes, no
amount of cheering up can make me feel okay, and I’d totally understand if
people would give up on cheering me up. I am an emotional wreck that needs
professional help.
There must be something wrong with me. I don’t know. I’m too
sad to even care. Too sad to even be. And what’s sadder is I don’t want to be
sad, but I am! It sucks, really. You might think I’m crazy, and in this case, I
can’t blame you.
