Two years ago today, we found out he was sick. I was already mentally preparing myself for losing him eventually. I was mentally preparing myself that his 77th would be his last birthday with us. I thought I was prepared when he actually said goodbye, but I realized nobody's really ready or prepared for anything until it happens. And little did I know that the big event of losing him is not the hardest part, seeing him for the last time is not the hardest part. The hardest part was after all of it. When we all felt the impact of his absence.


As a kid, I've always thought he'd live to a hundred. He was strong. To me, he could do anything. He would've been 79 today. There are days I still think I can visit him and we can talk like we used to. I used to talk to him about everything. There are also days I think we can still eat home-made fried chicken and watch tv. It's not just fried chicken though. He was a great cook, and me and my cousins always have the best time when we're coming over for lunch. There are days I think I can still hear him sing in the kitchen or in the store or anywhere, and then I would sing along even when I don't know the song. He used to teach me songs, and we would sing them together. There are days I think I can still see him watch random boxing matches during afternoons. And then I'd ask him who's fighting (even when I'm not really interested) but he was, and I liked that bond we had. I can go on and on about what we used to do together, but I might never stop. These may all seem like little things to you, but it really is the littlest things that leave the biggest impacts. It's not about the day of his funeral, it's about coming home after and realizing he really is not there anymore. It's the things we don't expect to feel that catch us off guard and give us such a hard time trying to grasp. There are days I still think he's here. And I know there will always be those days.


There was never a day I don't miss him though. And today is one of those days that I miss him really, really bad. It's hard to miss someone when distance prohibits you from seeing them, like when someone's abroad or in the province. It's harder to miss someone when your relationship stops you from talking, like an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend or a friend turned enemy. But the hardest type of missing someone is when there is absolutely no way for you to see them again or talk to them again. The hardest type of missing someone is when you only have memories to cherish, and knowing that you can't build new ones. But then, that's also the best type of missing someone... having so much memories and not regretting the moments you could've spent with them, because you made the most out of every moment you had.





I miss you everyday, Tatay. And I love you, always.

All I want is a day with myself.

No, not a simple day of pampering and relaxation. Not one of those typical "me" days you see from people. I also don't want a day where people make me feel special, I have my birthday for that or national women's day or whatever holiday you can think of that uplifts a specific social class from the others. I don't want a day FOR myself, I want a day WITH myself.

Okay, so you now might be having cryptic thoughts and probably measuring how much of a lunatic I am, because how in the world can I spend a day with me?

You see, being with someone doesn't always require a physical presence. Sometimes, all you need is a thought that you are spending time with a person who is important to you. And in this case, it's me. It's not that I don't feel important or that I don't receive love and affection from other people because I do. I really do. It's just that I find comfort in being alone and detached from people.

I want a day where I'm fully in control of what I want to do and where I want to go. If I would be given that day, I'd go somewhere, probably a province or whatever, somewhere far (but not too far cos I only have 24 hours) where nobody knows me. I would turn off my phone (okay, maybe I'd just put it on airplane mode cos i'd still need the music lol) and disconnect from the internet so nobody could contact me, I would bring a notebook and a pen, though, so I can write down everything. What would I do in a far place, detached from people I know, detached from technology, and alone? I don't know. I like the feeling of uncertainty. It would be nice to not have a plan for once. Since everything in my life is laid out in front of me, patterned in my mind, and planned out, I'd like to not be sure of something. Anything. I don't know what I would do or where I'd end up, but I know one thing. I know that by the end of that day, I'd feel closer to myself. I don't know if you'd understand me, but for some reason, being with people everyday and not having time to myself AT ALL somewhat detaches me from myself and attaches me instead to the people I spend time with. I don't want that. When I'm with people, I'm always restricted. I'm always holding back. There's always something I'm not comfortable with. And maybe that will never change, but whatever happens, I always want a break away from people. I want time with myself because only here will I feel unguarded and relaxed.

I just want a day where nobody will talk to me. A day where I don't have plan. A day where I'm in control. A day where I'm alone. Alone, not lonely. There is a difference. I just want a day. Just one day will do.

I've always been the kind of person who has difficulty opening up to people. Whether it be about my thoughts about something, my opinions, and most especially my feelings, I prefer to keep it hidden. It's not because I fear rejection, judgment, or an opposing point of view, but simply because I'm not comfortable. It's not because I'm immature either. Being open and dead honest doesn't come with maturity, it's somehow programmed in personality. And I'm just too much of a, for a lack of better word, secretive person to open up entirely. Maybe this is why I write. For me writing has always been more of an outlet than merely an activity to pass time. 

I've decided to make my site as much of an open diary as possible. Since I rant in  my head, and writing with a pen and paper slows me down and my train of thought usually leaves me hanging (and my hand hurts if I write really long), I might as well voice out my thoughts here.

During the past years, I meant for this site to be an inspirational site full of inspirational blogs for people to read. But eventually I realized that I don't really have a large audience, and limiting my posts to a certain theme makes me feel held back. So it's best to transform it to a personal blog. I think this time, I really can blog regularly because I'm not limited anymore. I literally can write about anything and everything I want, when I want, and where I want. I don't know why I've only thought of it now, but better late than never!

If ever I want to write an inspirational (or whatever kind) of article that I want a large audience to read, I'd just submit it on Thought Catalog and pray that it gets published on my page there. The link to my TC profile is on my sidebar btw!

So this is to kick off the transformation of my blog, and I really hope I can learn to break down my walls and open up my thoughts and emotions here, instead of bottling it all up.

And besides, the first month of the year is always the most inspiring time for a new beginning.