I was never able to blog religiously. I always say I would, but I never could. I've come to realize that it's because writing can't be scheduled. Blurting out your feelings doesn't have to be once every Tuesday. Or every 5:00 in the afternoon. You just can't put a timeframe for when you're gonna feel something worth writing about. You just can't set a day for when you can't tell people anything and you have to write everything down.

Well, today is one of those days for me.

I've been very vocal about never fully feeling good about myself. I think it's unfair how people expect me to always be okay with myself simply because they think I'm pretty. Everyone has the right to feel insecure, and insecurity is NOT related to how well you look or how socially acceptable your physical appearance is. You can feel insecure regardless of what you look like. And I've always had low self esteem. It's not something I can work on. It's not something I can fix just because someone says I should. And I don't think I can do something about it.

But that's okay. Insecurity is a normal human emotion. I know that I shouldn't stress about something I can't control. I should stop giving myself such a hard time just because I don't like what I see in the mirror most days. And it's not everyday that I feel bad about myself. Sometimes they just get out of hand. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. If you ever see me on instagram you'd notice how my posts always decrease in number. It's because every time I feel insecure, I remove one selfie. I don't know but for some insane reason I feel like I'm doing myself a favor. Today, I deleted eight photos of myself. Yes, today is one of the worst days. I don't think I even have photos left to delete. And this is why I'm writing.

I try so hard to make others feel good because I can't do it for myself. I try so hard not to make other people feel bad about themselves because I know what it feels to act like you're okay with everything even when you're not. Some people will probably say I'm overacting. I probably am. I might read this tomorrow and cringe at what I'm saying. But what matters is now. What I'm feeling now. What I'm bound to feel again some time. And every time I feel insecure, I want to go back to this day. I want to remember that insecurity is a normal human emotion. Insecurity will always come. It will always bother me. And I can choose one of two options. I can either sulk and rant or I can own it. I can use those insecurities as motivation. Today, I did both. Today is the day I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to make me feel better. Today is the day I start giving myself compliments because I don't want to expect it from anyone.

Today is one of those days. But it is also the day I change.

I'm just starting something new for my blog, where I can share the music I listen to every now and then. I don't know why I only thought of it now, but better late than never! Tbh, I just really can't sleep right now and I'm sick of writing school papers, and these are the songs that are on repeat.

Anyway, my favorite genre is indie or alternative, but honestly, I listen to whatever music I want depending on my current mood, and my current preference. This week's playlist consists of:

(Btw you can click the title and it will link you to the spotify page of the songs/album)


1. Chaos and The Calm - James Bay
- I was actually listening to the Acoustic Chill playlist in Spotify and the acoustic version of Craving by James Bay played, and I really liked it. So I listened to the entire album, and I instantly loved it. My favorites are Scars and Need the Sun to Break! 

2. Million Reasons - Lady Gaga
- It's refreshing to see something, uh, normal for Lady Gaga. This song shows how genuinely good she is as an artist and how she doesn't need fancy accessories to catch attention. (Although I do miss her meat dress every now and then)

3. Music. - JoJo
- JoJo has been a big part of my childhood with songs like Weak, Too Little Too Late, and Leave (Get Out). I haven't heard from her since, so her latest album came as a shock to me. Most songs of the album are nice, but this was my favorite.

4. ILYSB (Stripped) - LANY 
- This isn't really a new song, but I haven't heard the stripped version of the song before, and now that I have, I can't stop listening to it. I watched the live one before I listened on Spotify, and it's safe to say that LANY never fails. (I wish I could go to Wanderland next year so I could see him perform here... shoutout to anyone who wants to give me free tix hahahahaha hahahaha im serious)

5. Back to Me - Daya
- I loved "Sit Still Look Pretty" so I started a song radio, and this immediately played. I love her voice, and I really think this song is easy to sing in the shower. HAHA yes, I sing every song in my playlist at random times of the day.

6. Window Seat - Thomston ft. Wafia
- I just love the lyrics. Not because I can relate to it, but because it was beautifully written. It's like poetry, with varying interpretations depending on who listens to it. Plus, the melody's really nice too.

7. Wild - JONES
- This is one of those songs that I listened to for the first time, and ended up repeating over and over. I don't know why, but I think it's really catchy.

8. I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - The 1975
- Let me start by saying I LOVE the 1975. This album is ALWAYS in my current playlist. Although I don't love all the songs, I still think the entire album is great. My favorites are Paris, Somebody Else, She's America, and If I Believe You.


These will probably change in a matter of days or weeks, and when it changes completely, I'll write another post! :)

I've been pondering on this bible verse lately, because lately I've been feeling down and insecure. I'm trying not to be petty and sensitive, but there are just things that always trigger my self esteem issues that I'm also trying very hard to hide and bury. There are times I always feel really bad because I don't feel good about myself.

I grew up in a household where people always tease me, make fun of me, and criticize me for fun and jokes. I didn't mind, actually. I am really, genuinely okay with it. BUT I realized that as I grew older, the more I wanted to hear people compliment me at the very least. Maybe because I never hear it from my family. And don't get me wrong, I'm not easily pissed off when it comes to the people close to me, like my family. But when I hear it from others, I'm honestly really bothered. When I hear people pointing out or emphasizing what I'm insecure about, I easily get sensitive. I don't want to be, that's why sometimes I try to hide it, but still, it bothers me for the longest time. Especially when I'm trying to look good or when I'm trying to do better things. I just wanted someone to appreciate me for the things I do, even though there are teasing and jokes in between, I wanted someone to tell me genuinely that I'm doing a good job, or that I'm appreciated, my efforts are appreciated. God, I just wanna be appreciated. Because I'm trying. Really hard, sometimes.

This is why I'm very careful when it comes to treating other people. I always make sure that I don't bother them. I always make sure that I don't hurt their feelings, because I know what it feels like. This is why I'm scared of saying what I feel and think, because it might bother the people I'm talking to. Maybe this is why I always write about helping people feel good about themselves. Because I don't want them to feel the same way. One of my weaknesses is caring more about others than I care about myself, and sometimes it's a good thing. But I hope I learn that I need to listen to my own advice sometimes.

So since I can't help feeling like this, I am going to guard my heart. Not in the way that I won't open up to people, but in a way that I filter the things that I absorb. I filter the things that make me sensitive. I will guard my heart in a way that I will not dwell on the things that make me feel bad about myself.