I'm just starting something new for my blog, where I can share the music I listen to every now and then. I don't know why I only thought of it now, but better late than never! Tbh, I just really can't sleep right now and I'm sick of writing school papers, and these are the songs that are on repeat.

Anyway, my favorite genre is indie or alternative, but honestly, I listen to whatever music I want depending on my current mood, and my current preference. This week's playlist consists of:

(Btw you can click the title and it will link you to the spotify page of the songs/album)


1. Chaos and The Calm - James Bay
- I was actually listening to the Acoustic Chill playlist in Spotify and the acoustic version of Craving by James Bay played, and I really liked it. So I listened to the entire album, and I instantly loved it. My favorites are Scars and Need the Sun to Break! 

2. Million Reasons - Lady Gaga
- It's refreshing to see something, uh, normal for Lady Gaga. This song shows how genuinely good she is as an artist and how she doesn't need fancy accessories to catch attention. (Although I do miss her meat dress every now and then)

3. Music. - JoJo
- JoJo has been a big part of my childhood with songs like Weak, Too Little Too Late, and Leave (Get Out). I haven't heard from her since, so her latest album came as a shock to me. Most songs of the album are nice, but this was my favorite.

4. ILYSB (Stripped) - LANY 
- This isn't really a new song, but I haven't heard the stripped version of the song before, and now that I have, I can't stop listening to it. I watched the live one before I listened on Spotify, and it's safe to say that LANY never fails. (I wish I could go to Wanderland next year so I could see him perform here... shoutout to anyone who wants to give me free tix hahahahaha hahahaha im serious)

5. Back to Me - Daya
- I loved "Sit Still Look Pretty" so I started a song radio, and this immediately played. I love her voice, and I really think this song is easy to sing in the shower. HAHA yes, I sing every song in my playlist at random times of the day.

6. Window Seat - Thomston ft. Wafia
- I just love the lyrics. Not because I can relate to it, but because it was beautifully written. It's like poetry, with varying interpretations depending on who listens to it. Plus, the melody's really nice too.

7. Wild - JONES
- This is one of those songs that I listened to for the first time, and ended up repeating over and over. I don't know why, but I think it's really catchy.

8. I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - The 1975
- Let me start by saying I LOVE the 1975. This album is ALWAYS in my current playlist. Although I don't love all the songs, I still think the entire album is great. My favorites are Paris, Somebody Else, She's America, and If I Believe You.


These will probably change in a matter of days or weeks, and when it changes completely, I'll write another post! :)

I've been pondering on this bible verse lately, because lately I've been feeling down and insecure. I'm trying not to be petty and sensitive, but there are just things that always trigger my self esteem issues that I'm also trying very hard to hide and bury. There are times I always feel really bad because I don't feel good about myself.

I grew up in a household where people always tease me, make fun of me, and criticize me for fun and jokes. I didn't mind, actually. I am really, genuinely okay with it. BUT I realized that as I grew older, the more I wanted to hear people compliment me at the very least. Maybe because I never hear it from my family. And don't get me wrong, I'm not easily pissed off when it comes to the people close to me, like my family. But when I hear it from others, I'm honestly really bothered. When I hear people pointing out or emphasizing what I'm insecure about, I easily get sensitive. I don't want to be, that's why sometimes I try to hide it, but still, it bothers me for the longest time. Especially when I'm trying to look good or when I'm trying to do better things. I just wanted someone to appreciate me for the things I do, even though there are teasing and jokes in between, I wanted someone to tell me genuinely that I'm doing a good job, or that I'm appreciated, my efforts are appreciated. God, I just wanna be appreciated. Because I'm trying. Really hard, sometimes.

This is why I'm very careful when it comes to treating other people. I always make sure that I don't bother them. I always make sure that I don't hurt their feelings, because I know what it feels like. This is why I'm scared of saying what I feel and think, because it might bother the people I'm talking to. Maybe this is why I always write about helping people feel good about themselves. Because I don't want them to feel the same way. One of my weaknesses is caring more about others than I care about myself, and sometimes it's a good thing. But I hope I learn that I need to listen to my own advice sometimes.

So since I can't help feeling like this, I am going to guard my heart. Not in the way that I won't open up to people, but in a way that I filter the things that I absorb. I filter the things that make me sensitive. I will guard my heart in a way that I will not dwell on the things that make me feel bad about myself.

Two years ago today, we found out he was sick. I was already mentally preparing myself for losing him eventually. I was mentally preparing myself that his 77th would be his last birthday with us. I thought I was prepared when he actually said goodbye, but I realized nobody's really ready or prepared for anything until it happens. And little did I know that the big event of losing him is not the hardest part, seeing him for the last time is not the hardest part. The hardest part was after all of it. When we all felt the impact of his absence.


As a kid, I've always thought he'd live to a hundred. He was strong. To me, he could do anything. He would've been 79 today. There are days I still think I can visit him and we can talk like we used to. I used to talk to him about everything. There are also days I think we can still eat home-made fried chicken and watch tv. It's not just fried chicken though. He was a great cook, and me and my cousins always have the best time when we're coming over for lunch. There are days I think I can still hear him sing in the kitchen or in the store or anywhere, and then I would sing along even when I don't know the song. He used to teach me songs, and we would sing them together. There are days I think I can still see him watch random boxing matches during afternoons. And then I'd ask him who's fighting (even when I'm not really interested) but he was, and I liked that bond we had. I can go on and on about what we used to do together, but I might never stop. These may all seem like little things to you, but it really is the littlest things that leave the biggest impacts. It's not about the day of his funeral, it's about coming home after and realizing he really is not there anymore. It's the things we don't expect to feel that catch us off guard and give us such a hard time trying to grasp. There are days I still think he's here. And I know there will always be those days.


There was never a day I don't miss him though. And today is one of those days that I miss him really, really bad. It's hard to miss someone when distance prohibits you from seeing them, like when someone's abroad or in the province. It's harder to miss someone when your relationship stops you from talking, like an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend or a friend turned enemy. But the hardest type of missing someone is when there is absolutely no way for you to see them again or talk to them again. The hardest type of missing someone is when you only have memories to cherish, and knowing that you can't build new ones. But then, that's also the best type of missing someone... having so much memories and not regretting the moments you could've spent with them, because you made the most out of every moment you had.





I miss you everyday, Tatay. And I love you, always.

All I want is a day with myself.

No, not a simple day of pampering and relaxation. Not one of those typical "me" days you see from people. I also don't want a day where people make me feel special, I have my birthday for that or national women's day or whatever holiday you can think of that uplifts a specific social class from the others. I don't want a day FOR myself, I want a day WITH myself.

Okay, so you now might be having cryptic thoughts and probably measuring how much of a lunatic I am, because how in the world can I spend a day with me?

You see, being with someone doesn't always require a physical presence. Sometimes, all you need is a thought that you are spending time with a person who is important to you. And in this case, it's me. It's not that I don't feel important or that I don't receive love and affection from other people because I do. I really do. It's just that I find comfort in being alone and detached from people.

I want a day where I'm fully in control of what I want to do and where I want to go. If I would be given that day, I'd go somewhere, probably a province or whatever, somewhere far (but not too far cos I only have 24 hours) where nobody knows me. I would turn off my phone (okay, maybe I'd just put it on airplane mode cos i'd still need the music lol) and disconnect from the internet so nobody could contact me, I would bring a notebook and a pen, though, so I can write down everything. What would I do in a far place, detached from people I know, detached from technology, and alone? I don't know. I like the feeling of uncertainty. It would be nice to not have a plan for once. Since everything in my life is laid out in front of me, patterned in my mind, and planned out, I'd like to not be sure of something. Anything. I don't know what I would do or where I'd end up, but I know one thing. I know that by the end of that day, I'd feel closer to myself. I don't know if you'd understand me, but for some reason, being with people everyday and not having time to myself AT ALL somewhat detaches me from myself and attaches me instead to the people I spend time with. I don't want that. When I'm with people, I'm always restricted. I'm always holding back. There's always something I'm not comfortable with. And maybe that will never change, but whatever happens, I always want a break away from people. I want time with myself because only here will I feel unguarded and relaxed.

I just want a day where nobody will talk to me. A day where I don't have plan. A day where I'm in control. A day where I'm alone. Alone, not lonely. There is a difference. I just want a day. Just one day will do.

I've always been the kind of person who has difficulty opening up to people. Whether it be about my thoughts about something, my opinions, and most especially my feelings, I prefer to keep it hidden. It's not because I fear rejection, judgment, or an opposing point of view, but simply because I'm not comfortable. It's not because I'm immature either. Being open and dead honest doesn't come with maturity, it's somehow programmed in personality. And I'm just too much of a, for a lack of better word, secretive person to open up entirely. Maybe this is why I write. For me writing has always been more of an outlet than merely an activity to pass time. 

I've decided to make my site as much of an open diary as possible. Since I rant in  my head, and writing with a pen and paper slows me down and my train of thought usually leaves me hanging (and my hand hurts if I write really long), I might as well voice out my thoughts here.

During the past years, I meant for this site to be an inspirational site full of inspirational blogs for people to read. But eventually I realized that I don't really have a large audience, and limiting my posts to a certain theme makes me feel held back. So it's best to transform it to a personal blog. I think this time, I really can blog regularly because I'm not limited anymore. I literally can write about anything and everything I want, when I want, and where I want. I don't know why I've only thought of it now, but better late than never!

If ever I want to write an inspirational (or whatever kind) of article that I want a large audience to read, I'd just submit it on Thought Catalog and pray that it gets published on my page there. The link to my TC profile is on my sidebar btw!

So this is to kick off the transformation of my blog, and I really hope I can learn to break down my walls and open up my thoughts and emotions here, instead of bottling it all up.

And besides, the first month of the year is always the most inspiring time for a new beginning.

2015 was a year full of remarkable lessons, decisions, and experiences and I'm more than grateful for each one. Looking back, I realized that there really is something good within all the bad. Always. And that anything you pray for will eventually be given to you, in the right time.

The first quarter of 2015 was the time when I decided to end a relationship that didn't make me happy anymore. A relationship where everything felt like intrusion and routine, not affection and spontaneity. And though it wasn't easy, it was right. It was right to let go of what kept holding me back. It was right to let go of what was hindering me of becoming a better person. It was right to put myself first. It was right, and it felt good. After that, I promised myself to never settle for anything less than what I know I deserved. I kept praying to God to never lead me to a person that wouldn't be good for me. And He didn't. I will spare you the details, but He led me to someone who made me a better version of myself. That was one of the highlights of my year, and one of the many things that I will forever be grateful for, because not only did that decision led me to become someone better, but more importantly, it made me happy.

2015 was also the year when I knew that I have grown as an individual, mentally and emotionally (and physically, but that's stating the obvious. lol).This was the year that I decided to get a job while studying, not just to gain money for myself, but also to gain experiences that would help me in building my character. This was the year when I knew that I have developed a sense of independence and a certain amount of strength to do things on my own, and to realize that I, alone, really am enough. But since God is so good to me, He surrounds me with people that support me in whatever I decide to do. And again, I am thankful.

Another highlight of 2015 was losing someone very important to me. My grandfather. Growing up, I was really close to him. And losing him at an unexpected moment was heartbreaking. However I know that this is one of the experiences that helped me grow as a person. This was one of the experiences that made me realize that life isn't always going to be the way I want it to be, but it's life, and avoiding the pain won't let it go away, facing it will. Like they say, the only way out is through.  Eventually, I've learned to accept that my grandfather is gone, and although I miss him at times, I know that it was willed to happen and that my grandfather's death can be the birth of a stronger me. And for that experience, I am thankful.

The year that passed really was, for me, a rollercoaster ride. There were lots of problems and hardships and difficult times that I had to go through, but I wouldn't trade all those for a worry-free existence. Three to four years ago, at the peak of my teenage life, I would've just drowned myself in tears and cry over every problem that I face. I would've locked myself in a depressed state of mind because I wouldn't know what to do. But as I grew older, I realized that, as cliche as it may sound, everything happens for a reason. It's how we react upon those events that leave a mark in our lives. We always have the choice to  mourn over every bad thing that happens, or to stand up and use those experiences to gain strength. This is the reason why I don't pray to God to remove all the things that might cause me pain. I don't pray for Him to stop all the bad things that happen in my life, but I pray for Him to give me strength to endure all these. And He did. He still does. And I have the faith that He always will. The year that passed not only taught me to be strong despite all the troubles, but it also taught me to appreciate what I have. Not because others don't have it, but because I do. I learned to appreciate what I have not by comparing myself to others but by simply reflecting on my life. I also learned (and applied) that the way we think largely affects us. So we should always try to be as optimistic as we can, and the good will follow. Most importantly, I learned that as long as we maintain a strong relationship with God, everything goes right. Even the bad becomes good, and the good becomes better.

To cap it all off, 2015 was a year of growth, acceptance, and improvement. I can say that personally, it was one of the best years of my life, and I cannot wait for what 2016 has in store for me now that I've learned to become fully in control of myself, and my life.